musings of a neurotic mind

i hate mondays. i do not know why or when it started, but i guess it goes back to when i was still in school. it is the beginning of a new week with new problems and new tasks at hand. oh well…

change of topics: since i have purchased the digital set-top-box i find myself watching more television. “more” is realative, it is usually half an hour a day, channel surfing, trying to catch somewhere news in français, but mostly ending up with MTV. this past weekend i happen to stumble across two completely different shows on MTV that caught my interest. first off, “Pimp My Ride”, apparently a show where some guys of a garage revamp a car to fit it to the (presumably) new personality of its owner. quite impressive what they made of this old VW Bug! secondly, “I Want A Famous Face”, which is — to put it bluntly — one of the most perverse shows around! it is about people who want to look like stars with the help of a plastic surgeon. like this guy who is an Elvis impersonator who had a chin job, an eye job, botox injections, a chemical peeling and fat injections to his lips done to look more like “the king”. this is simply… wrong. what does this tell us? that we can alter our appearance as we please. but what do we get a new personality, a new identity as well? i do not think so… hence, it’s perverse or père-verse (pun intended).

first off, puns are intended, as always. do you know that feeling when you are all by yourself, living in your own world and have difficulties relating to or communicating with others? it is hard to describe but it is like you are constantly engaging in a sort of inner monologue, talking to and arguing with yourself about various things that run through your mind. no, i am not schizophrenic, it is rather the result of the fear of getting hurt when you actually articulate your feelings. so i keep talking to myself… and yes, life is fragile… (that is completely out of context, but i had the sudden urge to write it.)

fall is is full swing. it is raining cats and dogs, it is gray and cold outside. and my all-year fall depression is about to start… i hate waking up in the middle of the night (usually between 4 and 5 am) and not being able to fall asleep again for at least an hour… i cannot express how much i miss the bike rides in gorgeous summer sun and a mild breeze touching my skin…

welcome to the beautiful world of digital satellite television. before i sold my satellite receiver pci card on ebay a year ago, i recall receiving appr. 300 channels. well, that number has almost multiplied within one year, because now we are holding at 540 channels! that is almost too much, i hardly manage to watch a handful of channels, usually channel-surfing between the various music channels to avoid the commericals. the most useless channels i have discovered so far: Bahn TV (apparently about trains), Bibel TV and the GOD channel (the name says all) and the Spielekanal (airs presumably an interactive gameshows). i think these are yet other reasons not to watch television…

i wish i could post something exciting or amazing, but life is rather dull right now. i am still waiting for the feedback of my supervisor. well, “feedback” is what i hope for; i would be happy with any kind of message from her. i have been thinking alot what to do after graduation… the thought of studying “angewandte kulturwissenschaften” (applied cultural studies) is quite tempting, but i am afraid i do no longer have the energy nor motivation to start again at square one…

i have to apologize again… i really wanted to post earlier but somehow i never got around doing it or i deemed the topics at hand to be too irrelevant or too personal. i was quite busy the past week trying to get hold of that french movie called “Giorgino” (yes, it is french, althought the title sounds quite italian!) and figuring out what it is about and what it means. that was actually harder than anticipated because 1. my copy is of poor quality (the movie has not been released on DVD yet) and 2. it is in english with french subtitles which i cannot turn off and are quite disturbing. well, c’est la vie it seems… you know, those days when all seems to go slighly wrong and even your hair refuses to look the way it is supposed to be. it is small trifles like that that somehow spoil your day that could easily be perfect otherwise. for all those of you wondering, yes, my french lessons are making some progress; i wish i could spend more time learning french but i have other things to attend to. again, it would be too perfect…

as i was walking down the empty hallways of the University of Klagenfurt i was feeling kind of strange. it was a weird feeling of ambivalence. a part of me felt familiar and at home in these hallways but a part of me felt alienated, like i do not belong here anymore. maybe it is time to move on, after all. i only wish that this whole PhD stuff is going to be over soon…

there is no excuse for not posting for such a long time. i intended to post almost daily but i simply could not find the words; they were evading me. i have been mourning and trying to cope with my loss…

Il est des heures, où
Mes pensées sont si faibles
Un marbre sans veines
Il est des heures, où
L’on est plus de ce monde
L’ombre de son ombre
Dis
De quelle clef ai-je besoin
Pour rencontrer ton astre
Il me faudrait là, ta main,
Pour étreindre une à une
Mes peurs de n’être plus qu’une…
(Mylene Farmer - Pas Le Temps De Vivre)