so here i am, still writing the darn theoretical chapter that seems to last forever. however, it is my goal to be finished with it by the beginning of next week. obviously i underestimated the complexity of lacanian psychoanalysis. the good thing is that the medication for my depression works and i am feeling really up to the challenge. it is still hard to believe, but there is in fact better living through chemistry.
back to writing my thesis. oh yes, great fun as you can probably imagine. i am just about to grasp the concept of desire (in Lacanian psychoanalysis) and how it relates to identity. pretty complex stuff, i tell you, because Lacan is not very explicit when it comes to definition or explaining concepts. once the theoretical chapter is done, things will turn out to be easier, or at least i hope so. once i a while i think that choosing Lacanian psychoanalysis for my project was simply insane… oh well… too late for having second thoughts.
got season 4 of Babylon 5 on DVD today. i’ve been really looking forward to it since it is my favorite sci fi series. i think that television programs like B5 ultimately teach us something about human nature, what it means to be human and why it is worth to fight for our dreams and goals. in B5 that boils down to the fact that even a small number of people can make a difference - provided they believe in their dreams. btw. i am still looking for the “undo” button. however, i do not want to “undo” all the decisions i made in my life, just a few. to start all over again, make things right from the very beginning. call it a second chance, if you like.
i am tired. maybe because of the recent stomach flu or because it is finally spring. i do not know for sure. what i know for sure is that i have to resume writing my thesis. i guess i feel up to it again. i have to. sometimes i wonder what life would be like if there was a kind of “undo” button you hit every time you made a wrong decision or did something stupid. would it make a difference? i do not know, but the question is intriguing…
i am still recovering from the stomach flu so i ended up watching more television in the past few days. i am shocked! television turned into something very strange! its sole purpose seems to shock you (by shows like Jackass or the more recent Wildboys), bore the hell out of you (silly home shopping channels) or annoy you (like The Simple Life and all those casting shows). now i know why i watch tv so reluctantly…
trivia: i pulled my first all-nighter from saturday to sunday as a result of the stomach cramps and pain. i do not see any sense in staying up all night so up to last weekend i always managed to get at least one hour of sleep each night, even the night before my graduation. well, maybe it was about time i made this experience. what surprised me is that i actually did not feel so bad on sunday, considering the circumstances. or let me put it this way: my malaise was not necessarily caused by the lack of sleep.
the reason i was offline from sunday to tuesday is that i came down with a really “gorgeous” case of stomach flu. i will spare you the details; all i can say that this is worse than the normal flu, which can be nasty enough for sure. since yesterday i have been feeling better, but still a little weak… oh well, this time things can only get better.
“Cause nothing lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it’s hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain”
i am not the person i was a year ago. too much has changed. life has become a daily struggle against forces i cannot defeat or even control. Neo says that he does not like the idea of fate because that would mean that he is not in control of his life. actually, i do not believe in fate either, but that does not mean that we are in control of our lives. as i said, there is no choice - just the illusion of it. i cannot picture myself a year from now… because nothing lasts forever.
“And when your fear subsides
And shadows still remain
I know that you can love me
When there’s no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness
We still can find a way
Cause nothing lasts forever
Even cold November rain”
(Guns N’ Roses - November Rain)
it’s not about choices - or at least Zizek tells us so. there is no spoon and there is also no choice. it is as simple as that. you see, i am in the perfect thesis writing mood, churning out pseudo-wisecracks nobody is supposed to understand or even make sense of it. “writing is most joyful when it’s over!” found this phrase on one of my random google searches. there is so much truth to it… oh well… the matrix has you. btw. the german-dubbed version of Alias is horrible.
i am glad the easter holidays are over. now it is back to routine and work and getting things done. and btw. i am slightly annoyed with Far Cry. i am halfway throught the game and i feel that it is partly too difficult… oh well, you cannot have everything.