at first i could not believe it, but now i have to accept it as sad fact: the life of a PhD student is nothing but lonely. i had class today and i felt like i do not really belong there. seeing the other students sitting in class, eagerly to get a “schein” (grade) to finish their studies made me feel like the odd man out. i do not have to attend this class, i’m doing it completely voluntarily. well, there is one point to it: i am going to do a presentation on my research and so confront a new audience to my thesis. that’s quite valuable to get some feedback from other people with similar backgrounds. all my former colleagues left university to work as teachers or do other things. what makes things even worse is that my only “connection” to university - my advisor / supervisor - isn’t here either. she’s a guest lecturer at a university in germany until march 2004. so here i am now, nothing but lonely…
Archive for October, 2003
nothing but lonely
Wednesday, October 8th, 2003red bull gives you wings
Monday, October 6th, 2003a new week has begun and i am still in the same place. i even drank a can of red bull today in the hope of getting things up and running. after months without red bull i’ve almost forgotten how it tastes and what it does to my body and mind. so i got some things done - finally. sorted and filed class notes, handouts, and articles. did some research in the database of the library. made a mental layout / structure of my upcoming chapter of the thesis. listened to Meat Loaf / Our Lady Peace / Nickelback / Jimmy Eat World all day. i’m ready to kick some ass.
webalizer
Sunday, October 5th, 2003reviewed the recent web server logs and discovered that my blog is drawing some traffic. the most common search string are neurotic (depression), feeling empty, and love me t-shirt. funny, isn’t it? i usually write about my life and things i am currently contemplating. as a result, a simple google search gives you an impression what i am like? i don’t think so because i guess we are different people online. we are way more constructing our “self” and identity on the net. and that is one aspect of my thesis as well. btw. i figured that Kiefer Sutherland’s face has some similarities to Meat Loaf’s. am i paranoid here?
static prevails
Thursday, October 2nd, 2003the situation is unchanged. i simply can’t bring myself to continue writing my thesis. however, i guess i determined the reason for my de-motivation: the dull prospect of my future. to be blunt, i am going to be unemployed next year and i am constantly reminded of that fact. it makes me feel worthless and leaves me wondering if this all is actually worth the effort? the only thought that keeps me going is that i want to became a professor / researcher so badly that it hurts to think that i cannot do any good to society.
“Do you worry that you’re not liked
How long till you break
You’re happy cause you smile
But how much can you fake
An ordinary boy an ordinary name
But ordinary’s just not good enough today
Alone I’m thinking
Why is superman dead
Is it in my head
We’ll just laugh instead
You worry about the weather and
Whether or not you should hate”
(Our Lady Peace - Superman’s Dead)
what is left…
Wednesday, October 1st, 2003…at the end of the day that matters? not much i would say. i always wake up with the feeling that today i am going to make a difference. but at the end of the day nothing changed, nothing’s different. same shit, different day. and i am not in a particularly depressed mood right now - quite the opposite, i am glad to be alive and try to cherish each day. the problem boils down to the general lack of concentration… i am too easily distracted at the moment. i hope this is going to change soon…