seems like the summer 2003 is over. it’s really chilly outside and soon i am going to miss the high temperatures. darn, i really hate the fall/winter season. everything turned out to be just fine - regarding the “moment of truth” i referred to in my last entry. and oh yes, it’s good to be alive.
i do not know the word to describe how i am feeling. this week is the moment of truth. there are some decisions to be made. possibly important ones. and yes, life sucks, as always.
i’m still alive although life still stucks… what is there more to say? i’m not in a communicative mood…
today’s the second anniversary of my bicycle crash.
boy, what a weird dream i’ve had this night! i am in class and suddenly mr. meat loaf walks in! he’s on a tour promoting his autobiography and just dropped by to sign a few copies. a clear sign i’ve been listening to his music too much recently… hey, i do not even want to meet him! there are at least three other people way ahead of him… as for my mood: little to none improvement.
life sucks, again. not even the great bike rides manage to cheer me up. darn, i am in that hole again. at least i do not need to write/work right now. (although i think a lot about my thesis and stuff.) august is my month off, period. a friend of mine is throwing a bbq party on friday. i am supposed to have fun, but that’s hard to accomplish… there’s even a name for my mood: dysthymic disorder.
basically i should enjoy this month, having fun and doing things i like. but somehow my mood is not as elevated as expected. i am having this numb, empty feeling - like something is missing. i can’t delight myself playing computer games. (i virtually rushed through Neverwinter Nights: Shadows of Unrentide and Star Trek Elite Force 2!) there is no button for happiness you can push… life is not that simple.
“every obstacle is an opportunity”, says lance armstrong in his book. i guess he is right. what would life be without obstacles we have to overcome. they are opportunities to learn something about ourselves. i always remind myself that everything is going to be just fine in the end. hope is really a wonderful concept. “You’ve been through a lot of pain in the dirt / And I know you’ve got the scars to prove it” ? Meat Loaf, Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through
hospitals scare the hell out of me. i hate and avoid them. in my whole life (except at my birth, which i can’t remember) i have spend 2 nights in a hospital. these were rather unlucky accidents - believe me - and i got the hell out of there asap. now my mother is supposed to go to hospital for “no more than a week” at the end of august and i am scared, again. it’s nothing big or serious, just to run a few exams to determine her kind of articular rheumatism, but still… i am scared. i lost my father to cancer and that left me with the connotation hospital = death.
i have to admit it: i really hated the old design of my personal website. it simply sucked. who uses frames anyway? the reason why i kept it online for such a long time is simple: i did not have the time to come up with a new layout and design. now i guess i am in the mood for brushing up my xhtml, css, and php skills and create something i can identify with. stay tuned, exciting things are about to come…